I want to write something for those who might be able to understand and relate. I’m not sure if there is anyone else out there who can feel the weight pressing down, tinting everything you see with darkness and gloom. It’s like a feeling of being trapped, with no way out. Sometimes when I feel like this I just want to physically feel the pain I’m experiencing in my head. In the past I have inflicted pain on myself in unhealthy ways. But I’m trying to set myself on the path towards healing.
When the sadness is unbearable, I find it helpful to put in my ear phones and go running for as long as I can. It’s a better way to feel the pain I want to feel and then I feel much better when I’m done. As I’m catching my breath, I know that I’m alive, that I can be free, and that life really does have a hopeful undertone.
It’s hard being this old and still waiting for my life to begin. It feels like my life is nothing but a deserted wasteland that just continues in front of me without any apparent end. I run and I run but when I still can’t see anything ahead of me, I stop and just wait.
I’m waiting for a lot of things: connections, independence, contentment, confidence…as if these things will just fall in my lap. They won’t though. That is what I have to hammer into my own head.
I’ve just always believed that I am too weak to achieve anything and therefore I haven’t even fairly considered the important questions: am I strong enough? am I even worth it? I just return to my default answer, which is “no.”
Waiting is so passive. I don’t want to be passive anymore, I want to be active. The waiting could stop today if I would only uncover a bit of the strength that I know I must have.
I started this blog because I want to try and say something interesting and/or worth reading. Of course, one would assume that, as a result, I actually have something to say…which I kind of don’t at the moment. I’m just setting this thing up just in case I do have something to say in the near future. Being an introvert, as well as one who loves to cover up who I really am and what I really am thinking, it would be nice to be able to pour everything that I really am into something. I’m not sure if I will actually keep up with blogging…for all I know this is my first and my last post. But maybe (probably) not.
My title is taken from a Lewis Carroll quote from Alice in Wonderland: “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” I saw this on pinterest and I like it because I have always believed that none of us is the same person we were yesterday. Each day we accumulate a new set of experiences which change us in ways we aren’t even aware of. I’ve been trying this new thing where I don’t dwell on the past. I often do this thing where I think about things that have already happened, wishing I could change them, or go back to them; instead I want to think about how the past has changed me, and how I can move forward as a changed person, spreading kindness and good energy to the people around me. I now understand that all the icky stuff that clutters my past doesn’t even have to be apart of my life if I don’t think about it anymore. It’s absolutely liberating to know that I don’t have to go back to that because with each new day, I am a different and changed person.
A little about me: I am a 21 year old (well, almost 21) college student studying Early/Middle Childhood Education. I don’t think I actually chose this major/field. It kind of chose me because I can’t really see myself doing anything else. All I know is that young children fascinate me. Also they make me laugh. I love the way they learn and develop: growth is, to me, the most amazing phenomenon. Children are stronger than you think, but they are also a lot more fragile than you think. What a child experiences each and everyday contributes to their growth and development, which is a little bit scary to me! I want to become a teacher for this very reason…I want to be a positive influence in children’s lives and make sure that my students are getting the experiences and intellectual stimulation that they need.
So anyway, sorry this got so long. Hopefully I’ll be back soon to write more things. So long! 🙂